How Online Dating Will Reveal Your True Self. Your Shallow, Disingenuous Self.

“I love traditional African dance, Taoist constitutional acupuncture, sea kayaking, hiking, yoga, zumba, reading and writing poetry, the area above treeline in the mountains, hot springs, foggy days, hail storms, snowshoeing, glimpsing porpoises and seals, the sound of people telling the truth…also I’m allergic to Gluten.”

I’ll need a beer for this. What you just read was a truthful, albeit edited (I don’t know the rules on using information from dating sites), paragraph from a dating site profile that was matched up with my profile. My first response; I can never live up to the expectations of this woman, and in all honesty who could? I imagine the site matched us up based on the fact I listed meditation as a practice of mine. Fine, I accept that, but the sound of people telling the truth? Is that a super power? Are you the world’s best interrogator? Does the CIA know you exist? The real question is, if true, how annoying would that be?

“FUUUUCK! Alright you win! Pistachio is NOT my favorite ice cream, now back off!”

My point being is that when you set up your dating profile with a list of things you enjoy and it falls almost completely out of the realm of most people, then what do you expect? Someone completely compatible? It’s a long shot. Another annoying profile, and those of you on dating sites will know this one well, is the extreme sports profile. The person that somehow has the time and disposable income to climb a mountain, go scuba diving, take a rocket ship to the moon each and every day. What are you trying to accomplish with those pictures? The only response I have is I must be the laziest shit bag ever.

extreme sports wallpapers1
“I do this everyday after work! If you don’t as well, then I’m not interested. CARPE DIEM DOUCHEBAG!

Someone needs a quaalude and a blanket. I’m pretty sure human metabolism can’t realistically keep up with your lifestyle. That’s if you’re telling the truth. And that’s the one thing I find missing from dating profiles, the truth. You probably thought I was sounding pretty judgmental early on, and that was the point. Knee jerk, surface level judgment tends to rear it’s head when someone is claiming to be some kind of deity in human form. It makes sense to overcompensate on things considering when first meeting a person you want to date most of us do anyway. That’s why I can’t judge anyone with what’s listed in their profile. I can smirk to myself, but would never call out anyone directly on their bullshit. A little honesty would be refreshing though.

A young woman lying on her couch
Throw a pic like this on your profile, and I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth.

Although I have discovered there are two specific  types of honesty in the online dating world. Passive honesty, and brutal honesty. Two types of honesty that won’t get you far in the real world. You can try, if you enjoy weird glances or apocalyptic confrontations. Here’s the number one example of passive honesty I’ve found in online dating.

                                         Sorry for only posting one pic. This is me with some of my friends.

Huh? Wha? Which one? Imagine going on a first date with this mystery woman. Does she bring all her friends? You walk into the restaurant and you’re greeted with twenty voices in unison, “Hello John! We’re Amber!” Passive honesty in profiles makes me smirk. It’s cute, if somewhat depressing. Being self-conscious about how you look, and not wanting to single yourself out in a picture, is understandable…buuuuut this is a dating site, so eventually you will have to reveal yourself. Be confident. Post a clear pic of yourself. You may be surprised and meet someone who likes you for you. Isn’t that the real goal? Moving on. I’ve been on a few dating sites for almost three years now. How many dates have I gone on? Zero. That’s right, zero. I’m rocking a big fat goose egg. And I think the problem has to do with unrealistic expectations, which I’ve been guilty of as well. This person can’t possibly be how they are describing themselves, so withdraw immediately. But come on now, zero? So to try and solve this mystery I conducted an experiment. Be patient, brutal honesty is on it’s way. I picked out about a dozen or so profiles that fell into these specific parameters; 80% or higher match rating, you can live anywhere, age range 25-45, looking for friends, short term/long term dating, casual sex. I made sure each message was relatable to a mutual interest, and kept  it squeaky clean. Then I nervously waited for the responses to come pouring in.

“I’m gonna be swimming in ass soup!”

So after a few days….zero responses. That’s right! Zero! At this point I figured there’s gotta be something wrong with this dating site and left it at that. But then I received a message. My first message! I was so excited to see what this person had to say, since we had a ton of stuff in common. Brutal honesty on standby. I opened the message. Wasn’t a long message. Only two words. “Ginger? Gross.”

The image of silence

I sat in silence. That’s all I could do. Nobody can be this mean spirited. I thought maybe she meant it as a joke. Had to be a joke. I messaged back, “Haha, yeah I’m a ginger.” The immediate reply, “yuck.” Ok I know I’m no Tom Cruise, but I don’t think I’m hideous. Am I hideous? Is this why I’ve had no responses? Was she the only one who had the ability to wield brutal honesty like a samurai swings a katana?

Hi, I’m John. I enjoy movies, long walks on the beach, and not having a soul.


R.I.P. Online Dating


Eventually I did get a response from one of the “casual sex” messages.

“Will you wear this?”